To work or stay at home. The ultimate mommy question. Before I was a mom, I vowed I never wanted to stay home. I would proudly say "I went to college to work and have a career, not let someone take care of me!" I have always been independent and have always prided myself on my ability to take care of myself. I NEVER intended to be a stay at home mom, I never even thought I WANTED to be a stay at home mom. That is of course until I had a child.
You think you know how you'll feel and what you'll think when you become a mom. The truth is, you don't. You won't. You can't. Not until you are there, staring into those precious eyes that rely on you for their every need, both basic and complex. What a daunting task.
Obviously there are many many many mothers who work and mother. It can be done. I do it. I don't know if I do it well though. I have a tremendous amount of guilt most days. Let me say though, that I am SO SO SO blessed and so is Jordan to have her grandma take care of her while BJ and I work. She's amazing and Jordan loves her so so so much! I could never express to her what it means to me the sacrifices she has made in order to be with Jordan. She reads my blog, so THANK YOU G'MA FOSHE!
I do have a peace about her care when I'm at work. I don't worry about if she's getting fed or if her diapers are getting changed or if she is getting educational interaction, because I know that she is. She comes home every day having learned a new word or a new sound or something new and cute! She doesn't cry when I leave her, but she's happy to see me at the end of the day.
Trust me, I realize how great I have it. But I lay in bed some nights and cry because my time with her on a given week day totals about 2.5 hours. I spend about half an hour with her in the morning, which consists of getting her up, dressed and her bag packed up and everyone in the car, the drive to g'mas and the "transition" time at G'mas. Then, in the evenings, I get home most nights between 5-6, usually closer to 6. She is either taking her 2nd nap when I get home or she's up getting ready for dinner. We eat, she gets a bath and we play for a bit and she's usually in bed by 8pm if not earlier.
Some days, like Tuesday, when I worked till midnight, I don't see her at all, except the morning drive to G'ma's. Those days are particularly hard. I can usually spend a little extra time with her the next morning, but still. It's hard.
I say all this to say that while being a stay at home mom is simply not possible for us right now, I am seeking employment that may allow me to stay with Jordan more. It would mean much more time at home. The position has a salary that is comparable to my salary now, so it would not be a financial hardship for us. Basically, it's my dream job. It's doing something I am passionate about and it would allow me more time with my family.
So, I ask you, blogger friends to pray. Pray hard. I ultimately want God's will for my life and for my family. So I am not asking you to pray that I would get this job. What I am asking is that you would pray for God's will to be done and that I would have a peace about whatever happens. Thank you.
And, just because no post is complete without a picture....or two...
She's such a POSER!