Thursday, February 28, 2008

Mommy Wars

To work or stay at home. The ultimate mommy question. Before I was a mom, I vowed I never wanted to stay home. I would proudly say "I went to college to work and have a career, not let someone take care of me!" I have always been independent and have always prided myself on my ability to take care of myself. I NEVER intended to be a stay at home mom, I never even thought I WANTED to be a stay at home mom. That is of course until I had a child.

You think you know how you'll feel and what you'll think when you become a mom. The truth is, you don't. You won't. You can't. Not until you are there, staring into those precious eyes that rely on you for their every need, both basic and complex. What a daunting task.

Obviously there are many many many mothers who work and mother. It can be done. I do it. I don't know if I do it well though. I have a tremendous amount of guilt most days. Let me say though, that I am SO SO SO blessed and so is Jordan to have her grandma take care of her while BJ and I work. She's amazing and Jordan loves her so so so much! I could never express to her what it means to me the sacrifices she has made in order to be with Jordan. She reads my blog, so THANK YOU G'MA FOSHE!

I do have a peace about her care when I'm at work. I don't worry about if she's getting fed or if her diapers are getting changed or if she is getting educational interaction, because I know that she is. She comes home every day having learned a new word or a new sound or something new and cute! She doesn't cry when I leave her, but she's happy to see me at the end of the day.

Trust me, I realize how great I have it. But I lay in bed some nights and cry because my time with her on a given week day totals about 2.5 hours. I spend about half an hour with her in the morning, which consists of getting her up, dressed and her bag packed up and everyone in the car, the drive to g'mas and the "transition" time at G'mas. Then, in the evenings, I get home most nights between 5-6, usually closer to 6. She is either taking her 2nd nap when I get home or she's up getting ready for dinner. We eat, she gets a bath and we play for a bit and she's usually in bed by 8pm if not earlier.

Some days, like Tuesday, when I worked till midnight, I don't see her at all, except the morning drive to G'ma's. Those days are particularly hard. I can usually spend a little extra time with her the next morning, but still. It's hard.

I say all this to say that while being a stay at home mom is simply not possible for us right now, I am seeking employment that may allow me to stay with Jordan more. It would mean much more time at home. The position has a salary that is comparable to my salary now, so it would not be a financial hardship for us. Basically, it's my dream job. It's doing something I am passionate about and it would allow me more time with my family.

So, I ask you, blogger friends to pray. Pray hard. I ultimately want God's will for my life and for my family. So I am not asking you to pray that I would get this job. What I am asking is that you would pray for God's will to be done and that I would have a peace about whatever happens. Thank you.

And, just because no post is complete without a picture....or two...


She's such a POSER!

11 comments:

ashleydiggs said...

Oh Brandy. I sit here with tears in my eyes because I know you and I KNOW that you hurt inside. I ALSO know that God has a plan for you and Jordan and BJ and your job. His will WILL be done and I ask Him to show that to you. He doesn't give us more than we can bear! Love you B!

Jessica said...

You do an incredible job of balancing both and are a wonderful model to all moms that it can be done! I will pray for this job~ I know how badly you want it. Regardless, Jordan knows you love her, and that is what is important. As a teacher, I see good moms who work and bad moms who stay home. I also see good moms who stay home and bad moms who work. Another battle that has no answers. You love Jordan- and Jordan feels it and knows it. No matter what happens, take peace in that. : ) I love you, my friend.

The Holloway Family said...

I will definitely pray for you! I know it's such a hard thing to go through. All I ever wanted to do was be a stay at home mom, but I worked out of the home until Brooklynn was 17 months old and I cried every single day! Some of the best mom's I know worked full time, and I can tell you're doing an amazing job!

Nicole M Wood said...

I will be praying for you. When Jerrame and I talk about having children, staying at home is always something that comes up. I am like you before you had Jordan. I want to work. I love my job plus I like having the extra money to do the extras in life. I hope that everything works out for you with this job. I am sure that you are a great mother. You have a beautiful little girl.

JoAnna said...

You got it, friend!! I shall pray, and pray I shall. :) I soooo understand - and have been there. You even got to watch a lot of it... and help out with the screaming baby in the office. (Thank you - by the way!!) My heart's desire is also to be at home, and that just hasn't been God's plan. I'm trying to come to terms with that it may never be. I am with them a lot, but even though it's not MY plan, I do have peace when I am not with them. I will pray God's will - and will also ask if He doesn't mind... could you have your dream job or just inherit a bunch of money so you don't have to work at all! :)
Love you!

Tammie Diggs said...

I too will pray. I almost felt guilty while reading, b/c I used to complain b/c it it is difficult to work with your child. I can tell you that your guilt will not go away. I felt guilty b/c I made her wait until I finished with a client. I also felt guilty b/c I didn't always work efficiently since I had my child with me. BUT, we got to spend lots and lots of time together and I really wouldn't trade that for anything. We are very close because of that, and now she's in first grade. The early years will pass in a flash! I do pray you can get more hours with your daughter!

Mandy said...

Brandy, Out of everyone that I know in this blog world, I think that you are most like me, in the aspect of Jordan, her age, your work, etc. Tayson is kept by his grandparents everyday and I too work A LOT!!! It sometimes kills me too, knowing that I only get to see him a few hours each day. That is why it is so important for me to be with him all weekend. I rarely ever go anywhere without him on the weekends, because that is "our" time. I also still let him sleep in the bed with us because I feel like that is even more time that we get together. I am very fortunate in my job, that I can kind of come and go as I need to and I could even do some work from home. However, being self employed is tough all in itself and I pretty much have to go, when the customer needs me. Sometimes that means working late, working Saturdays, just whenever. I try to keep it 8-5 but that doesn't always happen. Just try and remember that you are working for HER!! You are working so that you can provide for her and make sure all that her needs are met. I know that you are a wonderful mom and that the time you spend with her is so blessed!! I deal with peoples finances everyday and I am here to tell you, most people have to work!! Most people are not blessed enough to just have one spouse work and cover the needs/bills!! In our society, it almost always takes both parents. I will pray hard for your new job, I know that you want it so bad and it would give you more flexibility!! I'm sorry I just rambled on here but I really feel like I know exactly where you are coming from!!!

Brandon and Nikki said...

Hi Brandy. My name is Nikki and you just did my sister-in-laws, Jessica's, blog. I LOVE IT!! I was wondering if you could do mine for me. My e-mail is bnbutcher821@hotmail.com. E-mail me if you're interested. Thanks. Nikki

Jennifer said...

Brandy, I totally know your struggles but know that God does have a plan and it will work out in the end. I taught when my oldest was born and although I wanted to stay home, we couldn't afford for me to do that. Then my second, and the same thing. When I was pregnant with my third, I never really thought about it again. I just assumed I'd go back to teaching. I had even found daycare! But after she was born and then school was starting months later, I said to my hubby that I didn't want to go back b/c this was my last baby. I wanted to relish in the whole experience and be there for my boys. So I told him that I was going to find something that would help and I could stay home. I opened the paper, and God had his hand me. I found a position that I was able to work from home with a salary near what I made teaching. It was an awesome experience that lasted for three years. I was laid off last summer but found a peace. It was strange. But we manage now just because my daughter starts kindergarten in the fall.

I pray for God to have his hand on you now for this dream job! :o)

Please keep us posted.

Jessica said...

Sure- let's get together this week! : )

Kimberly said...

YOur post makes my heart ache for you. I will be praying that everything will work out for the best. I couldn't resist that sweet face of Jordan's either! I think you have quite a future in blog makeovers!!
BTW-love the trampoline pictures!!